My first day

Going from walking to one day and the next your in emergency surgery being told you may never walk again WITHOUT a traumatic injury to my neck. Was the hardest thing for my mind to comprehend and even harder to accept. I can't remember a lot of the moments right before going into surgery. I do remember being mad, mad at my husband. Why?? I told him it was because of his "attitude". His "attitude" was being worried and scared not knowing what was going to happen. The truth is I was mad and needed someone to be mad at. I needed to push him away as well. He needed to go. He could have so much more in life than a burden of a wife, who wants a wife who can't move from the neck down? I needed to go more. I prayed that I go while in surgery, I didn't want to be a burden to my family. Needless to say I was more than upset when I awoke. I tried to move my fingers, they worked. I tried to wiggle my toes, no movement. I cried, not cried sobbed to the point that my nurse in recovery heard me across the way and came over asked whats wrong I lied I told her I was in pain. She gave me a lot of whatever drug it was. I wanted more. I wanted to sleep. Sleep through this damn nightmare I just woke up in. Why? How? WTF??? FTW!!!! I didn't want to see anyone, I didn't want to go back to my room. That's where they were. They would have to look at me and ask me to move legs and I can't. How are they going to react? How will I react? Rage set in and it set in fierce. My husband is the first I see, my first thought as illogical as it was, why the hell couldn't you have stopped this?!?!! Why couldn't he have stopped my disk's from going into my spinal cord and cutting it off?  Why couldn't he save and protect me from the outside world as he has done before? I don't remember what the fight was over or what I said to be the "problem". I only remember kicking him out and telling him not to come back ever again. Every fiber in me wanted him to leave and never look back. I wanted even more to leave this body and never look back. I was stuck, left in this body that didn't want to work. On the outside I am trying to act like I can handle this and everything will be ok on the inside I want to die. I want to find away out of here......